Justice Playthrough #184: Clash of Coins

Aside from being two-player-only — tl;dr I’m not a fan — this game actually ticks a lot of my boxes. It’s visually interesting, with inventive game play that I’ve never seen before. It’s exactly the kind of game that I’m hoping to find on this trawl….

… except for the whole thing where I want it to be “fun.” Clash of Coins is emphatically not fun. Gonna have to deduct a whole bunch of points for that.

Page 50, Game 6: Clash of Coins by Zwi Zausch

You are a coin. Your opponent is a coin. You will now coin-battle, and attempt to blast each other off your coin platform. Now fight!

Look at the Greco-Roman pre-mayhem

The goal is to blast your foe into the cloudy void surrounding your platform. You can slam into each other, you can make spinny attacks, you can jump, you can even jump AND attack! This will cause you to slam down into the floor below you — which is very rough on the floor. See all those cracks? Those are sections of floor just waiting for you to weaken them so they can fuck off forever.

Also, sections of the arena will start spinning. There will be times when defeating your foe simply means you did a better job identifying and jumping to safety than they did.

Flee for your commerce-oriented lives!

So what’s the problem?

It’s all so slow.

Everything.

Moves.

So.

Slow.

Ly.

Moving the coins is like moving through Jello. You push the button, and your coin will start doing the thing eventually. Jump, and you slowly arc up, then gently come back down. Fall off the edge, and you have ages to contemplate your demise.

It makes for a deeply frustrating gaming experience.

I have no idea what the problem is. My machine has handled much fancier games than this, and the framerate looks fine. The game doesn’t look choppy at all; it’s excruciatingly slow, but it’s a very high-resolution slow. It’s like watching a hi-def video of slugs fucking, which I just realized is almost certainly its own genre of porn and I’m not gonna go looking for it let let me just live in ignorance.

The video on the game’s page looks fun. I’d be curious to play that game. The game I downloaded really sucks.

The best version of this game would be intriguing. It’s still pretty raw; there’s no sound whatsoever, and as mentioned, there’s not even an attempt at an AI opponent here. But if you presented me with a version of this game that doesn’t feel like swimming through a fat kid, I’d absolutely play it. If the dev is still playing with this concept, I certainly wish them well.

Will this next game respond to my commands in real time?

Page 45, Game 16: Discovering Colors – Animals by Frogames

“Coloring for kids”

Animal colors? For kids? Fuck yeah! Kids are stupid! I’m gonna rock that shit!