Justice Playthrough #194: Hooks And Shotguns

“Whoa. Right, I need to go easy on this one, don’t I. This is clearly an early-stage alpha-ish game that the dev probably put online just for their friends or something. I’m sure it’s downloadable for free–“

“Oh, FUCK you, dude.”

Page 55, Game 27: Hooks And Shotguns by FifthEdgeStudios

Right. So. This is a side-scrolling shoot-em-up, reminiscent of Contra. In fact, in the Bad Place, all copies of Contra have been replaced by this game.

You can use the titular shotgun, which blasts a three-bullet spread, or you can use the titular hook, which does nothing. Your sprite changes to indicate you’re now holding a hook gun, but no amount of button-mashing caused it to do a single goddamn thing (and this game has nothing resembling a tutorial mode). So even though the dev considered it important enough to put in the title, the hook is not in the $5 release of the game.

The first time I tried playing this game, I found movement to be weirdly floaty and unsatisfying. There was one early mini-boss battle that I could simply rush past and ignore. In fact, when I went back to fight the mini-boss, I found it very difficult to FIGHT the fucker at all, as I kept drifting off the side of the screen and triggering loads of adjacent areas. But I stuck it out, because I wanted to see what would happen when I finally whittled down his health.

Answer: the game crashed, and rendered itself unplayable. Permanently unplayable, as far as I can tell. When I went back in to do a screenshot run, I found an unbreakable wall of indeterminate height standing between me and the rest of the game.

Actually, I think that wall is doing me a favor

Can’t jump over it, can’t climb it, shooting it is pointless. Everything about this is pointless.

Perhaps if I delete and re-expand the game, it will return to a state where it’s playable. I think I’ll do the first half of that.

I find it hard to imagine this doing brisk sales. But anybody who somehow actually purchased this game deserves a refund and and apology.

Will this next game not fill me with hostility towards whoever shared it with me?

Page 11, Game 9: Blue Rose by WhiteCat

“Fantasy romance visual novel”

Oh, dear. Is this an interactive “novel”? I’ve had really dreadful luck with those. But good news, WhiteCat: after Shotguns & Hooks, there is literally nowhere to go but up. And who knows, maybe it’ll be just a straightforward piece of fiction. The ones I’ve encountered in this trawl have, to my pleasant surprise, consistently not sucked. Here’s hoping.