Justice Playthrough #64: Bear-ly There

“What if physics, but stupid? Also, bear!”

Page 45, Game 15: Bear-ly There by Pale Moon Games

You are Barris the Bear. It is time for you to gorge yourself in preparation for next winter’s hibernation. Unfortunately, you are also an abject failure of evolution, and are not well-suited to this or any other task.

Do not let this stop you.

Taking on the world

Go get ’em!

Bear-ly There is a spiritual successor to QWOP or CLOP, only not as infuriating. You can make Barris “jump” (actually a kind of fitful spasm) in the direction you have the camera pointed, and you can also have him bite whatever happens to be near his mouth.

As a method of locomotion, this is neither dignified nor all that effective. But a bear’s gotta do what a bear’s gotta do.

The berries … so close….

My first play, Barris starved.

But then I discovered … the river.

BEHOLD THE PROMISED LAND

Aw, yeah.

But gorging yourself on salmon is only half the battle. Then you have to … return to your cave.

Homeward bound

Also, you might find some sunglasses. Just roll with it.

This is yet another entry in the “More A Joke Than A Game” canon that redeems itself by honestly being a good joke. Making this bear spastically ragdoll his way across the landscape while frantically biting in the hopes that food will wind up in his mouth does get old … after a few playthroughs. Until then, it’s pretty goddamn funny.

Just don’t poop.

DO. NOT. POOP.

Does this game have a “poop” button?

Page 21, Game 24: A Guide To Casting Phantoms In The Revolution by World Champ Game Co.

“A Story Game of Magic Lanterns, Political Revolution, and Pentagrams.”

Magic? Revolutions? Demonology?

I’m thinking Rasputin.

So yeah, “poop” is an option here.